Ji-Youn’s Breakup Grief Guide
These are personal guidelines that I have been following in the past 5 years for navigating the ending of relationships. Many of them have been romantic breakups and a few of them have been friendship breakups. Some were more normative in that they were long-term or monogamous or with the intention of life partnership. Others were shorter or non-monogamous or polyamorous or more “casual". No matter the relationship structure and length, I tend to feel the grief of every ending deeply (hello from a cancer venus).
Given previous experiences of breakup/heartbreak grief where I felt like I lost control of myself (hint hint, anxiously attached), these guidelines have helped me navigate the endings of relationships much more intentionally and with love. Not every guideline applies to or resonates with every ending. Some of these pieces may resonate for other types of grief too. I share these publicly as an offering in case some parts may feel helpful. Take what resonates and leave the rest.
1. Aim for breakups that emerge from a request not being met, from a lack of alignment in willingness/desire to compromise and meet each other.
“Hey, I’m feeling this and needing this. Would you be open to extending yourself in this particular way to help make this work? This is how I’m willing to extend myself. And if not in this particular way, what would be a possible compromise that feels doable for both of us from a glad heart, where we won’t resent each other or ourselves?”
The breakup occurs when you’re not able to find a compromise that all parties are willing to extend themselves for. The breakup occurs after discussion, brainstorming, and negotiation. There’s a willingness to compromise and negotiate, and active participation is present from all parties.
Have this conversation before it becomes an ultimatum. Requests usually become rigid ultimatums due to resentment/hurt building up that could potentially have been addressed sooner. Ultimatums are often a sign that resentment has aged and there could’ve been a shift or an ending to the relationship sooner.
2. In this engagement, remember the definition of love that bell hooks uses:
“the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth… as both an intention and an action”.
Extending looks like stretching. It’s often uncomfortable, but doable. Extending is not staying in familiarity and comfort and expecting the other person to meet me at my convenience. Extending is also not overextending or breaking or abandoning myself. Extending means I am extending myself for connection with them while also connected to myself. I also really appreciate Kai Cheng Thom’s spectrum of consent when thinking about extending oneself and self-consent.
3. People might not be willing to extend themselves in the ways that you want them to.
It will hurt, but thank them for their honesty. It’s better to feel hurt than them being dishonest, overextending themselves, and developing resentment (includes people pleasing; people pleasing requires dishonesty towards self and others). The same goes for you. Going against our own desires, willingness, and values to try to stay in a relationship is a disconnecting experience for everyone; in your relationship with them and your relationship with yourself.
4. The end of a particular relationship structure does not need to mean the end of a connection with the person.
Navigate the breakup with the intention of: what would our liberatory relationship look like at this time, in this context? It could look like maintaining love for each other from a distance, without a tangible, interactive relationship. It could look like staying cooperative co-parents or community members. It could look like potential friendship down the line. Get creative. Love doesn’t have to end when one particular relationship structure ends, and there are an infinite number of possibilities for how we can relate to one another.
5. Grieve in the ways that you need to grieve and take distance.
Taking distance can be helpful to express and release the hurt, anger, and sadness without putting your feelings onto them. Taking distance can be helpful in individuating and re-centering yourself. Taking distance can be helpful in familiarizing yourself with your own company, in your own person, and in your own future. Grieve the parts of yourself that have been intertwined with them and the relationship. Re-member and get centered in the parts of yourself that have always been fully yours, independent of this relationship.
6. If disconnecting entirely from the person feels too hard, create containers for engagement.
Set up a time in one, two, or three months to reconnect and check in, maybe even to do a closing ceremony (more on this later). Maybe it’s a 15-min call once a week but no communication outside of that. Maybe it’s infrequent texting but unfollowing each other on social media. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Make decisions around social media, texting, calling, hanging out, mutual friend or shared community gatherings for the next few months. Figure out what containers of interaction work best for all parties and honour the distance needed in all of the other ways. Keep these containers of connection in mind to stay disciplined in focusing on yourself and individuating outside of those contained interactions.
7. Heartbreak can feel like withdrawal.
Heartbreak often wants us to get back together in order to soothe the pain. It is grief’s attempt at making the pain stop. Acknowledge the grief, feel it, and don’t act on it. Getting back together again probably won’t solve the problem. The impulse will pass. Refrain from acting on the impulse and count down the hours for the first 72 hours. Then count down the days, then the weeks, knowing that the pain will lessen over time.
8. Just as you create containers for interaction, create containers for typical grief things and also for rebuilding your life.
Oscillate between grief work and restoration activities (my favourite grief model is the dual process model). It’s not ideal to be sobbing and looking at old photos in bed forever. It’s also not ideal to go to work and hang out with friends as if the breakup didn’t happen. It doesn’t matter how long each oscillation takes but oscillate with intention.
9. If and only if there’s a desire by all parties, explore a closing ceremony to honour the love in the relationship that has ended.
I generally recommend that it’s scheduled in advance and is at a later time when there has been sufficient time to process and release a lot of the anger and hurt so that all parties can show up to the closing ceremony with the intention of love and gratitude.
What would honouring the relationship and the love look like? Maybe do an activity that you enjoyed doing together. Maybe share words of appreciation for each other, for the ways that you grew together. Maybe share a song or poetry or a letter. Maybe share food and drinks. Co-create and share a closing ceremony that honours and closes the relationship with love and gratitude. Maybe talk about how you would like to engage in relationship moving forward. What new relationship would you like to explore? For the duration of the ritual, try to keep anger and hurt processing aside for a different time, or with other supportive community members.
And if the other party/parties doesn’t/don't want to engage in a closing ceremony, you can create and do one yourself. You don’t need their participation in order to honour the relationship that you were a part of.
10. Dream about the new chapter of life. Every ending is also a portal of new possibilities.
Reflect on the lessons you learned in the relationship, focusing on what you learned about love, yourself, and what you want and desire. What would a more aligned life look like? What would more aligned relationships look like? Who do you need to become and what do you need to practice to embody a more fulfilling life, to invite and co-create more fulfilling relationships?
Lean into friendships and platonic love. Unlearn compulsory monogamy and relationship hierarchy. Learn to romance yourself and take yourself out on dates. Cultivate your own joy. Commit to community building. Build the practices that are needed to step into future relationships with more love, self-trust, and integrity.
11. Lastly, some reminders.
You are capable of love. You are capable of learning how to receive and give love in ways that feel liberatory for you. You are also capable of grief. Your grief is deep because your love is deep. Avoiding grief leads to hardness and skepticism. Believing in and wanting love is a beautiful thing. Practice grieving with intention and you will be capable of both endings and beginnings.
Wishing you moments of ease and plenty of love,
Ji-Youn
